Halleluiah!!! Toilet paper. COVID Tales 1

It is war folks! The fight in the trenches of the supermarkets is on. Scandalous footage televised directly into your loungeroom, revealing fisty-cuffing Aussies for nothing more, and these days nothing less, than toilet paper??? To me this phenomenon came out of left field. A bit unexpected and the question has to be asked why this sudden rush for bumwad? 

The media has grabbed hold of this subject with crazed Shakespearean gusto, amplified by social media. The urge for ‘bumff’, it has been reported, has us running around the countryside with darkly stained undies. Imagine this – going without the hygienic tickets of splash. This is a mental conundrum, much like the feeling you get when suffering from extreme diarrhea. When you got to go.

In this article I am trying to, where possible, de-bunk the hoarding myth and attempt to restore my faith in humanity.

Let’s just calm down for a minute and think about what has been happening. There is a virus called COVID-19, you may have heard about it? This nasty virus has bowel-moved everything around in Australia and the world. How does that affect the need for panic buying of ‘bum polish’? A large percentage of Aussies are out of work or have been told to stay at home. Where did they go to the toilet? You guessed it – at work! The employers of our nation provided us working folk, without question and in spades of generosity, those pristine, white paper squares that you could fold or wrap to your hearts content, free of charge and without risking your life in the supermarket aisle.

You can read the unemployment forecasts everywhere. All saying something different - 10,11 percent, possibly more, This represents a large percentage of Australians being forcefully thrown into their own dunny at home. It has become clear that no one prepared properly for a long-term increase of sustained family abuse of their own ‘poopatorium'. Many of us looked in our cupboards and found the supply of Mexican tablecloth inadequate, hence, the mad rush.

Just over two weeks ago, I was returning home from my employment with my recently re-named title of ‘essential worker’ when I stopped obediently at the traffic lights. An elderly couple crossed the road in front of me – the lady looked very happy with herself as she carried a 12-pack of TP under her arm. As I watched them pass by, a split-second crazy thought appeared in my brain - ‘go on – take the foot off the brake and push it down HARD on the accelerator’. I was ready to collect my 12-pack of thunderbox ply that I don’t even need. I want it here and I want it now, without fear of consequence. 

Immediately, I slapped myself in the head, chastising myself, and put to rest that demonic desire. Am I that disturbed? What kind of doomsday prepping, zombie world have I become part of? Let’s be honest, this Covid world has some of us a little on edge. 

My weekly shopping expedition became an orgasmic feast to the senses. I rounded the corner with my disinfected trolley and cruised into a vast open space. There it was, stacked high on four pallets was a massive amount of interconnected certificates of deposit all wrapped up in plastic. It had been over six weeks!! A joyous tear wanted to squeeze itself onto my cheek, I had struck white gold. Halleluiah!!!

Desperately, I fought off the impulse to run up, take a giant leaping dive and wallow gloriously in the soft tissue. I was at risk to embarrass myself in front of a lone shopper, a plastic gloved check out chick and more importantly a frowning security guard.

Back in control, I only purchased one pack as per Scomo's orders, "Just Stop It!" (his words).

Just one more thing - here is to the few ‘bum-nuts’ who have not been able to control themselves and scored enough dunny roll to last for three generations. You know who you are! You had us all in a big stench. This calls for a quote from one of my favourite comedians Billy Connolly, 

‘you’ve squeezed one off too early’.

The End

Brown bits:

Notice in the opening photograph that the toile paper is absent, replaced by tissues and nappies in the adjacent spaces. The mind just wanders into all sorts of trouble here.....