‘Unprecedented’: COVID Tales 2

Sunday the 22 March was an important date for Australians. Our slightly disheveled looking Prime Minister Scott Morrison (he probably had a tough day at the office) faced the aggressively questioning journo David Speers on the ABC. Without getting into politics, I must say that Scott stood up to the challenge and sounded prime ministerial. This was the interview that changed Australia forever – changed everything we were planning with our lives, “these are ‘unprecedented’ times” we were told. Covid 19, the shutdown of our nation.

After taking off from Alice Springs in September 2019 our journey wasn’t what we had hoped for. We left in the middle of a drought in full swing. The red desert was dry and the grass was dead. Decomposing cows a regular, but upsetting, sight in paddocks. A pile of empty white skin all that was left of the Brahmin cows that stood once proudly in our land of plenty. Scorching ‘unprecedented’ temperatures, well over forty degrees. Climate change on the forefront of our minds.

Queensland wasn’t much better in the heat. Creeks dried up; whole forests looked brown, just dead.  Our Australian mammals stopped reproducing; birds fighting over scraps battling to survive.

A kookaburra checking out our campsite for food

Then the fires started. We found ‘unprecedented’ fires throughout the east coast right on our path - on our way South. Houses were burned to the ground, Whole species of animals we don’t know anything about were wiped out. Who can forget the images of the Koalas? Many people lost their homes. Even rainforest started to burn. We lost firefighters in unbelievably tragic circumstances.

We were in Airlie Beach, in heaven that wasn’t, stuck and undecided. Go and help or stay out of everyone’s way. It became a frustrating sometimes difficult conversation. One doesn’t travel well when the world collapses. To just galivant through peoples scorched backyards doesn’t seem respectful and is a guilt laden experience.

The fires made way for intense flooding when the heavens finally opened. You guessed it - we had ‘unprecedented’ floods. Nature, letting us all know who is boss.

So here I am in my caravan – travel no longer allowed or wanted - locked down by Covid 19 - trying to make sense of it all.  Our elderly people dying in nursing homes – the economy in tatters – unemployment booming!

I can tell you it hurts to read back through this. I can tell you I want my time again. I can tell you that I really hate the word ‘‘unprecedented’’.

So, I call on you to ban the word ‘unprecedented’; erase it from our vocabulary - take it out of the dictionary - destroy it once and for all.

Please, no more ‘unprecedented’ anything!

The Mary Kathleen disbanded uranium mine site - near Mount Isa

Burned Bits:  

The opening photo was taken during a prescribed burn in Alice Springs where I volunteered for the bush fire brigade.

If you need to chat about any of the subjects covered, I would encourage you to contact one of the following links:

www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

headspace.org.au

Halleluiah!!! Toilet paper. COVID Tales 1

It is war folks! The fight in the trenches of the supermarkets is on. Scandalous footage televised directly into your loungeroom, revealing fisty-cuffing Aussies for nothing more, and these days nothing less, than toilet paper??? To me this phenomenon came out of left field. A bit unexpected and the question has to be asked why this sudden rush for bumwad? 

The media has grabbed hold of this subject with crazed Shakespearean gusto, amplified by social media. The urge for ‘bumff’, it has been reported, has us running around the countryside with darkly stained undies. Imagine this – going without the hygienic tickets of splash. This is a mental conundrum, much like the feeling you get when suffering from extreme diarrhea. When you got to go.

In this article I am trying to, where possible, de-bunk the hoarding myth and attempt to restore my faith in humanity.

Let’s just calm down for a minute and think about what has been happening. There is a virus called COVID-19, you may have heard about it? This nasty virus has bowel-moved everything around in Australia and the world. How does that affect the need for panic buying of ‘bum polish’? A large percentage of Aussies are out of work or have been told to stay at home. Where did they go to the toilet? You guessed it – at work! The employers of our nation provided us working folk, without question and in spades of generosity, those pristine, white paper squares that you could fold or wrap to your hearts content, free of charge and without risking your life in the supermarket aisle.

You can read the unemployment forecasts everywhere. All saying something different - 10,11 percent, possibly more, This represents a large percentage of Australians being forcefully thrown into their own dunny at home. It has become clear that no one prepared properly for a long-term increase of sustained family abuse of their own ‘poopatorium'. Many of us looked in our cupboards and found the supply of Mexican tablecloth inadequate, hence, the mad rush.

Just over two weeks ago, I was returning home from my employment with my recently re-named title of ‘essential worker’ when I stopped obediently at the traffic lights. An elderly couple crossed the road in front of me – the lady looked very happy with herself as she carried a 12-pack of TP under her arm. As I watched them pass by, a split-second crazy thought appeared in my brain - ‘go on – take the foot off the brake and push it down HARD on the accelerator’. I was ready to collect my 12-pack of thunderbox ply that I don’t even need. I want it here and I want it now, without fear of consequence. 

Immediately, I slapped myself in the head, chastising myself, and put to rest that demonic desire. Am I that disturbed? What kind of doomsday prepping, zombie world have I become part of? Let’s be honest, this Covid world has some of us a little on edge. 

My weekly shopping expedition became an orgasmic feast to the senses. I rounded the corner with my disinfected trolley and cruised into a vast open space. There it was, stacked high on four pallets was a massive amount of interconnected certificates of deposit all wrapped up in plastic. It had been over six weeks!! A joyous tear wanted to squeeze itself onto my cheek, I had struck white gold. Halleluiah!!!

Desperately, I fought off the impulse to run up, take a giant leaping dive and wallow gloriously in the soft tissue. I was at risk to embarrass myself in front of a lone shopper, a plastic gloved check out chick and more importantly a frowning security guard.

Back in control, I only purchased one pack as per Scomo's orders, "Just Stop It!" (his words).

Just one more thing - here is to the few ‘bum-nuts’ who have not been able to control themselves and scored enough dunny roll to last for three generations. You know who you are! You had us all in a big stench. This calls for a quote from one of my favourite comedians Billy Connolly, 

‘you’ve squeezed one off too early’.

The End

Brown bits:

Notice in the opening photograph that the toile paper is absent, replaced by tissues and nappies in the adjacent spaces. The mind just wanders into all sorts of trouble here.....